Dear Cole,

This is nearly a month late. I planned to write it May 1--that would have been one year to the day. But alas, life gets in the way. I've been drafting this little note here in my heart for a while now. See, kiddo, there are some things you should know, so I'm going to write them down here for you to enjoy some day well in the future when you can read. Maybe I'll have you read it after a particularly rough day at school or a fight with you brother or something. So despite the fact that I'll be typing one-handed as you're draped over my right arm and nuzzled up against my breast in a very snuggly place, I'm gonna type. Here goes.

You, my sweet, sweet boy, are so very special. From your very conception, you were defying odds and breaking rules. Please don't let anyone ever make you believe there is something you cannot do. See, God put you on this earth for a reason. I truly believe that, with every fiber of myself. You will do wonderful things. You will be a wonderful person. You already are. I hold you in my arms and smell your sweet, sweet breath while you sleep. When you're awake, I kiss your perfect little lips and as you squeal and squirm and try to kiss me back, I smell that sweet breath some more. When I nurse you, you reach up and grip my finger so tightly, as if you're begging me to never let go. As if you need to beg. When you play on the floor, you make happy little sounds and talk to yourself, and after a while, you get annoyed. You talk a little louder as if to say, "Where is everybody?" And as soon as I appear, you smile. You smile with your whole face, your whole body even. You stop that loud talking, smile, and begin to kick your legs and wave your arms like a dog wags his tail. You say, "Yep, that's all I wanted. Just needed a friendly face over here. Love you." And when you do that, you melt my heart all over again. You, my precious boy, are so easy. So cooperative. So chill.

But these are things anyone knows about you. Anyone that meets you can see these things. Let me tell you something that not so many know. In fact, I only recently admitted this to even your daddy.

May 1 marked one year since the day I found out I was pregnant with you. The day I called your daddy at work, asked him to come home for lunch because we needed to talk. Of course, given our history, Daddy didn't need to come home. He guessed first thing: "Are you pregnant??" And when I called Aunt Brandi, she was shocked. In fact, I believe she asked if I'd taken two tests to make sure. Ha! But the craziest thing is that I wasn't shocked. Not like I should have been. There were a couple of reasons that your existence wasn't very likely. But still, just over a week before I came to know about you for sure, I had this feeling. I can't explain it except to say that I knew something was different, and my heart kept telling me that there was another soul riding with me. My head tried to deny it with all kinds of logic, but my heart just kept saying, "You'll see. Deny it, doubt it, and wait. But you'll see." So my head started looking for signs of any kind that might indicate a little stowaway was in my uterus. But signs? None were to be found. So I waited as long as I could, carrying around this feeling that you were with me and wanting so badly to know for sure. When it was finally a reasonable time to take a test, I found that I was going to be devastated if it revealed that I had been mistaken. As much as another pregnancy did not fit our plan at that time, when I saw the plus sign slowly come into being, I cried the happiest tears. I put my hand on my belly and said hi, and I'm sure you high-fived me. It's just something you would do.

So I can't explain how I knew before there was reason to suspect and without any signs whatsoever, but I did. I knew you were there inside me, beating heart and all. And no, it wasn't our plan, but God knows I am so grateful that He knows better. You are my little buddy. My connection to you is so tangible and real, it's as if Daddy never snipped that cord. I hope it is always that way. I love you, my perfect little surprise. But you know that. You feel it. Now go do what you do. Be you, be sweet, and change the world.

Forever your Mommy